NOT "Just Friends" Table of Contents

Acknowledgments xvii
Introduction 1

PART I: THE SLIPPERY SLOPE 15

Quiz: Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair? 16

Chapter 1: I’m Telling You, We’re Just Friends 17

Being Attracted Means You’re Still Breathing   18
Being Jealous Could Mean That You’re Tuned In   19
Approaching the Slippery Slope   21
To Have and to Hold…   21
Step 1: Platonic Friendship/Secure Marriage   22
Step 2: Intimate Friendship/Insecure Marriage   23
Walls and Windows   25
Opportunity Is Everywhere   26
Danger Zone: Men and Women at Work!   27
In Your Own Backyard   31
Old Flames Burn Hottest   34
The Intimacy of the Internet   35
Quiz: Is Your On-line Friendship Too Friendly?   38
The Prevention Myth   40
Avoiding Fatal Attractions   40

Chapter 2: Crossing into a Double Life 42

Step 3: Emotionally Involved Affair/Emotionally Detached Marriage   43
Beginning a Double Life   46
Three Red Flags at the Threshold   47
Commitment versus Permission   48
Step 4: The Sexually Intimate Affair/The Threatened Marriage   50
What’s Happening in the Affair?   50
What’s Happening in the Marriage?   54
When Sex Enters an Emotional Affair   57
Complications of the Double Life   58
Lying   60
Compartmentalizing   62
Other Ways of Dealing with Internal Conflict   63

PART II: THE TRAUMA 65

Chapter 3: Reaching the Moment of Revelation 67

Loss of Innocence   67
Before Revelation: Secrets, Lies, and Suspiciousness   70
Avoiding Confrontation   70
Unsuspecting Partners   71
Tracking the Clues   72
Warning Signs of Infidelity   73
Being a Detective   75
Hiring a Detective   77
Confronting Your Suspicions   77
When Accusations Are Denied   79
The Many Pathways to Discovery   80
Confessions   81
The Informant   83
Accidental Discoveries   85
The Immediate Aftermath   86

Chapter 4: In the Wake of Discovery 88

Traumatic Aftershock: The Emotional Roller Coaster   88
Reactions of Betrayed Partners   89
Reactions of Unfaithful Partners   91
Reactions of Unmarried Affair Partners   93
Why Some People Are More Traumatized Than Others   94
Shattered Assumptions   94
Individual Vulnerabilities in the Betrayed Partner   97
Pre-existing Stressful Life Events   99
The Nature of the Betrayal   100
The Threat Continues   103
Establishing Safety: Stop and Share   105
Step 1: Stop All Contact with the Affair Partner   106
Step 2: Share All Unavoidable Encounters   108
Step 3: Be Accountable   109
Surviving Day by Day   110
Develop Support Networks   110
Practice Damage Control   111
Lift the Lid a Little Bit   111
First Steps of Trauma Recovery   113
Is It Worth the Pain?   114

Chapter 5: Should You Pick Up the Pieces or Throw In the Towel? 115

Ambivalence Barometer: Walls and Windows   117
Walls   117
Windows   118
Two on a Seesaw   119
Ambivalence in the Involved Partner   119
Ambivalence in the Betrayed Partner   122
Damage Control for Both Partners   123
Getting Off the Fence   124
Think Things Through Before You Act   125
Questions Betrayed Partners Can Ask Themselves   127
Questions Involved Partners Can Ask Themselves   127
Other Considerations   128
Constructive Separation   130
Ambivalence Therapy   131
Do You Have the Right Spouse but the Wrong Therapist?   132
Picking Up the Pieces   134

Chapter 6: How to Cope with Obsessing and Flashbacks 136

Intrusion   138
Obsessing   138
How to Deal with Obsessive Thoughts   140
Flashbacks   143
Constriction   146
Hyperarousal   148
Physiological Hyperarousal   148
Emotional Hyperarousal   149
Hypervigilance   150
New Crises   155
Uncovering Previous Lies   155
Surviving Special Occasions   156
Handling the Affair Partner’s Intrusions   157
Relapses   158
Triggers for Relapses   158
Coping with Relapses   159
How to Take Care of Yourself   159
Reactivate Fulfilling Activities   159
Look Out for Your Physical Health   160
Look Out for Your Mental Health   160

Chapter 7: Repairing the Couple and Building Goodwill 162

Repair 1: Getting Back to Normal   163
Take Time Out for Fun and Companionship   163
Make Love, Not War   164
Recall Your Past Together   164
Dream about Your Future Together   165
Repair 2: Fostering Positive Exchanges   166
Ways of Caring   167
Express Appreciation   169
Enhancing Mutual Appreciation and Bull’s-eye Caring   171
Exercise: What Pleases Me about You?   171
Exercise: The Newlywed Game   173
Resistance to Caring   175
Signs of Resistance   176
Overcoming Resistance   176
Repair 3: Learning Compassionate Communication   179
Tool 1: Inhibit, Inhibit, Inhibit   179
Tool 2: Play Ping-Pong   181
Tool 3: Use “I” Messages as the Speaker   182
Tool 4: Be a Good Listener   183
Creating an Empathic Process   185

PART III: THE SEARCH FOR MEANING 189

Chapter 8: The Story of the Affair 191

Why It’s Important to Tell   192
Telling the Truth Rebuilds Trust   193
Telling Releases the Secret Ties That Bind   196
Telling Increases Marital Intimacy   197
How to Tell   198
Pitfalls to Avoid   198
The Three Stages of Disclosure   201
What to Tell   205
Reconciling Different Perspectives and Mistaken Beliefs   206
Questions to Answer   208
Search for Meaning   215

Chapter 9: The Story of Your Marriage 217

Quiz: Relationship Vulnerability Map   218
The State of the Union   220
Sexual Compatibility   222
Inequity   226
Power Struggles   228
From Niagara to Viagra   230
The Family Life Cycle   231
The Marital Lifeline: A Unique History   235
Relationship Dances   241
Parent and Child   242
Saint and Sinner   243
Bully and Sneak   243
Demand-Withdrawal Patterns   243
How to Begin a New Dance   246
The Myth of the Low-Maintenance Marriage   246

Chapter 10: Your Individual Stories 248

Quiz: Individual Vulnerability Map   249
Individual Attitudes about Infidelity   251
Justifications and Excuses   251
Premarital Sexual Permissiveness   253
Entitlement   254
Personal Deterrents   255
Conflict between Values and Behavior   258
Running on Empty   259
The Need to Escape   259
The Starving Ego   260
The Need for Excitement   260
Echoes from the Past   264
Old Family Tapes   265
Emotional Allergies   267
Survivors of Childhood Abuse   268
Attachment Styles   269
Passages and Growing Pains   272
New Roles   273
Reluctant Grown-ups   273
Midlife Reckonings   274
Never Too Old   275
The Exception or the Rule?   276
Narcissism   277
Antisocial Behavior   277
Chronic Lying   278
Hope for Change   278

Chapter 11: The Story of Outside Influences 279

Quiz: Social Vulnerability Map   280
Birds of a Feather Frolic Together   281
Occupational Vulnerability   282
Faithless Friends   284
The Family Tree   286
The World We Live In   287
The Double Standard Is Alive and Well   287
Trends   290
Sin Cities   291

Chapter 12: The Story of the Affair Partner 293

Quiz: Single Woman’s Vulnerability Map   294
The Story through the Lens of the Other Woman   296
Sophie’s Lost Friendship   296
Peggy’s Lost Years   299
Power Balance: Who’s on Top?   300
Dependent Women   300
Independent Women   302
The Guilt-Free Affair   303
Getting to the Root of It   305
Family Triangles   305
A Sexy Veneer   307
A Heart of Gold   308
Lessons for the Affair Partner   309
Lessons for the Couple   310

PART IV: THE HEALING JOURNEY 312

Chapter 13: Healing Together 315

How Long Is It Supposed to Take?   316
Four Steps Forward and One Step Back   316
Patience Is Essential   317
Completing Unfinished Business   318
Getting Rid of Reminders   318
The Final Farewell   319
The Unanswered Questions   319
Repairing the Damage   320
Mending the Trauma Wounds   321
Reversing Walls and Windows   322
Restoring Broken Trust   324
Reclaiming Lost Territories   326
Cleaning Up the Fallout   327
Weaving Broken Threads with Family and Friends   327
What to Tell the Children   329
Life-altering Consequences   330
Reconstructing a Stronger Marriage   331
Addressing Relationship Vulnerabilities   332
Learning New Dances   333
Forming a United Front   336
Shared Responsibility   336
Shared Intimacy   337
Shared Meaning   337
Shared Vision of Monogamy   338

Chapter 14: Forgiving and Moving Forward 339

What Is Forgiveness?   340
Clarifying What Forgiveness Is Not   341
Defining What Forgiveness Is   341
The Personal Benefits of Forgiveness   342
Are Some Things Unforgivable?   343
Is There a Right Time to Forgive?   343
Forgiving Too Soon   344
Beware of Pseudo-forgiveness   344
Why Can’t You Forgive Me?   345
Lingering Suspicion   345
Reverberating Pain from the Past   346
Accusatory Suffering   347
Self-absorbed Unforgiving   348
Rituals of Forgiveness   349
Seeking Forgiveness   350
Granting Forgiveness   352
Rituals of Recommitment   353
Courtship   354
Renewing Vows   354
Forgive the Pain but Remember the Lesson   354
How Do We Know You Won’t Betray Again?   355
What Choices Does the Betrayed Partner Have?   356

Chapter 15: Healing Alone 357

I Never Intended to Be Just Another Statistic   359
The Hard Adjustment   361
The Unfairness of It All   361
The Financial Nightmare   362
The Loneliness   363
New Scenarios with Old Friends   364
Starting Over   364
Wallowing Never Gets You Anywhere   364
The New Learning Curve   365
The Dating Game   366
The Matter of Children   368
Breaking the Bad News   369
Protecting Your Children from the Fallout   370
Survivors of Infidelity   371
Nancy: Always on Guard   372
Kimberly: Bridge to a New Life   373
Evan: Better the Second Time Around   374
Heather: Becoming Whole Again   375
Living Well Is the Best Revenge   377

Afterword: Mini-Guide to Safe Friendships and a Secure Marriage 379

Seven Facts You Need to Know about Infidelity   380
What You Need to Know about Love   380
Seven Tips for Preventing Infidelity   381
Critical Elements for Healing the Trauma of Infidelity   382
Vulnerability Maps   382
Appendix: Resources 383
Chapter Notes 387
References 407
Index 413